| future |
[February 12, 2007 @ 9:34pm] |
THE FUTURE.
it should be bolded, written in giant arial caps. Not times, nothing with seraphs. But arial, now, that demands attention. Like the Hollywood sign. Which, i've never seen. Oh well. I find it so funny that all my relatives who visit from Sweden and other places in the states have seen more of this country than I have. It pretty much throws that whole idea of 'wanting what you have' in your face. We really don't appreciate what's right in our backyards.
whoa. Sorry, got a little sidetracked. It's funny, how writing can do that. We pick up on an idea we have, and go with that, just kind of leaving our original in the dust. I think with writing, maybe that's a good thing. It means that we have passion for this newest idea, that we have some fuel to feed the fire. And it's less planned out than before.
OKAY. Stop it. I'm focusing on the future. Which, is kind of ironic, because for me, the definition of the future is sadly unfocused. I used to be so, so sure of what I wanted. Graduate from OA with decent grades. Go to Seattle U, major in Forensic Psychology with internships at the local PD or hospitals. Go to a graduate school from there - maybe that nice little one in Australia. Work in an asylum for the criminally insane, or as an expert witness on insanity hearings.
That was the plan. But now? Now, I really have no idea. I've been thinking - that maybe what career you choose isn't so important. There's more to life, and a person, than whatever job they have. Courtney Andersson, Forensic Psychologist. But that leaves out everything else. Reader, writer, friend, partier, graphic designer, amateur photographer, world-traveller. Maybe, I'm going to decide that my occupation doesn't define me, not if I don't let it. And maybe it won't matter where I work, maybe it's more important that I enjoy myself along the way.
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| fake, real? |
[February 12, 2007 @ 9:18pm] |
Lately I've been thinking. Uh-oh, I know. It's a dangerous activity, but it happens every once in a while. But I always wonder if who we are is set at the beginning, or if we're able to change ourselves halfway through? Is that okay, to want to change yourself? I mean, I know people can change. I'm not saying we're all static creatures, stuck for eternity in shyness or sadness. Life changing events happen, people die, hearts break, children are born - but our integral characteristics, are we allowed to aspire to change those? Am I being fake, if say, I go outside my comfort zone and say 'Hi' to someone I don't know - not something that's natural for me. Is it wrong to go against our natural instincts in order be like something else?
I wonder if life really is like that Stan Rice poem, 'Twelve'. That after finding that waxed red ball of our heart on the shore, we'll discover that 'what we loved at the end, is what we loved at the beginning'. Maybe I should just skip all that in between time, and stick with what I know I love. But then, I'd never try anything new, and that's not really a life, is it?
As always, I start with a question, and end with another.
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| I'm a whore |
[August 28, 2006 @ 6:52pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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Buddy Holly |
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So, basically. I am a fucking whore.
But it's okay, I'm happy with myself, so thats all that matters.
I'm not really a whore anyway. I'm just...having fun. Haha
And yeah, I'm still kind of annoyed with my friends, but I guess everyone gets that sometimes. I guess...It's just nice to feel wanted, you know? Oh well. But anyway. So yeah, I'm a stupid girl.
Ahh. Went to knotts on saturday, had a great time, weaseled out of sneaking out and spending the night with a boy I didn't know, haha. But then I went on a proper date with said boy and decided that spending the night would have been a great idea. But still, I'm glad I didn't. Because..nothing would happen. And I feel kind of bad, because I joke and tease, but it's all talk. I mean, yeah, making out is fun, whatever. But the only person I'd have sex with I would have to really, really be in love with. And thats really contradicting, but I mean...I dunno, I have to have some boundaries. And that way, even if it doesn't work out eventually, I won't have regrets about being pressured or giving in because it was cool or convenient or some other shit like that. I want it to be because I wanted it, because it was right, because there was emotion behind it. I want to make love, not fuck.
Ah, but anyway. So, the guy. JC, very sexy, awesome body, surfer type. Very nice, a gentleman in modern times. But I don't know, the whole..click thing isn't there. I mean, physically, it's hot. Very.
But then...I don't know. I want that connection like in Before Sunrise. Where I can just walk around, not doing anything in particular, and talk to someone. And talk. And laugh, and joke, and fall in love. THATS what I want.
But I mean, until then I can have fun, right? As long as its not too much fun. But thats the thing..I don't know. I just don't trust him, and I kind of dont trust myself. I'm so easygoing that I'm scared I won't be able to put my foot down when it needs to be put down. Plus...it's desperate, but I don't want to lose him. So I don't want to say that it's not going to happen, because then..I don't know, I feel like he'll just be like, oh well then its not worth it. So I guess it's more that I'm scared thats what he's just using me for. Like, hit it and quit it or something. Or more like, thats what he's after. And he'll take anything that will give it.
UGH!!
BUT anyway today was awesome, it totally made me happy. I got to hang out with Randy, just us, it was fun. We were SUPPOSED to watch Brick again but he had to pick up his little sister so we ended up just bumming around subway, but it was fun. Why can't other guys be like him? All quirky and funny and witty and like..I don't know, just clickable? haha. That would seriously be great. If JC had his personality or something. I mean, I went through that whole crush phase on Randy, and yeah, now I'm over it. There's still that, aww he's such an adorable great guy! But it's totally platonic. I mean, he tells me all his girl problems he has! haha. But anyway. It was just nice to joke around and update and tease and such. Just a nice relaxing day. =]
And THEN this weekend my parents are out of town. Going to go rent a hotel room for the weekend....haha. BUT it's awesome. I'm having Maryanne and maybe stephanie and maybe randy over for some drinks. =] haha. WITCHES BREW anybody? And then maybe JC, but I don't know because he doesn't drink and I REAALLY don't trust myself if I'm drunk and he's not. Yannoooo? haha.
But I dunno, I'll see if he can maybe come over on the non-drinking day. =] hopefully the day before, so then I won't be hungover...but then, hungover would be a good excuse, and he could take care of me, haha. =]
ANYWAY so yeah. That's my updations. Life is good.
OH yeah I havn't finished summer hw yet. DAMN. I just can't think of a good irony topic. BLAH.
OH well, hahah.
I'm happy, I guess. A bit confused and impatient, but happy.
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[August 16, 2006 @ 11:42pm] |
I sometimes really, really dislike some of my friends.
Alicia is pretty much the only one I can stand. I mean, I can STAND all of them.
It's just so frustrating. STEPHANIE and BASHA especially. OMGOSH. They suck. Basha isn't even a friend anymore. Imean, she COULD HAVE TOLD US about the death cab show. I WOULD HAVE WENT. or at least give us the OPTION to go. But NO, she just tells stephanie, and stephanie doesn't tell any of us! And then steph is so flipping hypocritical. She's all about LOVE and honesty and be a good person and save the world! but noooo she lies like its no big problem and ARGH!! fuck her sometimes yanno? And she didn't even TELL me when she made out with that guy. I told her right away when I fucked up like that. and she wasn't going to tell me.
and she's so insincere! I mean she's like oh i love you ladadadada you're so awesome i love you
but she tells EVERYBODY that. its on her flipping answering machine for gods sake. she's just degrading the use of love to the point where it doesn't mean anything.
i mean im just sick of her dramatic bullshit.
and then they flake
and they cant do anything
or they choose other stuff over me and it sucks and i feel left out all the time.
i want to be mad, and just not call anyone for a long time and just make them miss ME
but then I dont know if they'd ever call
or make any effort to see me
and im really too desperate for that
FUCK IT
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| UPDATE |
[August 06, 2006 @ 6:01pm] |
UPDATE TIME!
In Sweden I partied. I did vodka shots, I made out with sexy swedish boys [2, Johan & Philip, both over 20]. I played strip spin the bottle. I stole alcohol. I danced in front of a crowd of people.
When I got home, I broke up with Ryan, so now I'm single again!
And I'm going through withdrawals, both from Sweden and from Alcohol. WHICH I NEED.
I WANT TO PARTY GODDAMMIT!
California sucks.
And that's all folks.
Now I just have to finish my stupid ass summer homework.
And go watch movies with my sexy friends.
Who ALL HAVE WORK
dag nammit.
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[June 13, 2006 @ 10:14pm] |
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| a letter |
[June 11, 2006 @ 1:44pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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Auf Der Maur |
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Dear Ryan,
I don't understand what is going on between us. I feel like you don't care about me, or rather, I don't understand how you can care about me. You don't know who I am. You don't seem interested in learning who I am. You are so incredibly self centered about everything in your life, and it's beginning to drive me kind of crazy. You always have to get your way, no matter what. We listen to YOUR music. We watch YOUR south park DVD's and YOUR nascar races. I go to YOUR family functions. We eat where YOU want to.
But what about me? Every once in a while I'd like to listen to some of my music. I don't want to have to fight and beg to hear just one song, after I've listened to albums and albums of your music. I don't want you to throw a tantrum whenever I try to change the channel off a nascar race.
If only you'd express some interest in me. If only you asked me about something that has happened in MY life. I don't want to have to TELL you, and seem like I'm forcing you to listen. I want you to be interested and ask me how my day went, because you want to know how I spent my time. I'm tired of hearing about your repetitive days on Myspace and 'owning' with Alex.
And I hate that when I CAN be with you, you go on myspace. I sit in your parents room and do my homework, Ryan. That should be a warning. I'm doing my HOMEWORK at my boyfriends house because he's on Myspace. Myspace isn't REAL. The people aren't flesh and blood in front of you like I am. And yet you choose those faces on a computer screen over me.
And I hate that you feel like you can tell me what to do. And I hate myself for LETTING you tell me what to do. "Don't do that." And I stop. And I feel like I'm reaching for you, wanting things I want, but you don't seem to. Sometimes I just want to be close to you, and yet you don't seem to want the same thing. And that, coupled with the lack of interest in me, makes me wonder how you really feel. Am I a warm body? Is that all?
I want to hear you ask how my day went. I want you to offer to listen to my music. I want to hear you ask what I want to do. I want you to take me out once in a while. I want you to not try and bum money off of me. I want you to act like a boyfriend who notices when I'm sad or just not right. I want you to pay attention to ME, be interested in ME. Because I'm your girlfriend, and I deserve to be paid attention to, at least by you.
NO EXCUSES. This is how you are, and I hate it right now.
Bastard.
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| sedated |
[June 09, 2006 @ 11:55pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Stars - Heart |
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So, I have recently discovered a new love.
Stars.
The band. Amazing.
Thats all, the end.
Well, about that anyway. Other random updates and how I feel
-Ryan is no longer sick; That means I get to kiss him again. Which is a very good thing, because I truly missed kissing him (along with other things). But yes, today he made my toes curl, and I was still feeling it on the car ride home. (No, not sex. =] )
-Aaron broke up with Rebekah; That sucks. But in a way, it's a good thing. I just don't want Bekah to hurt so badly, because she is such a wonderful person and doesn't deserve to feel the kind of pain she's feeling. But in the end, I think she knows it's for the best. He's leaving next year, and I think she knows that he'd cheat on her eventually (if he hasn't already). She called me today in tears and told me about it..and I felt so bad because I couldn't make it all go away. I just want her to feel good about herself again. Eventually she will...but I don't think for a long, long while.
-School is almost ending; THANK GOD.
-Sweden is almost here; I can't wait, but in a way, I really really don't want to go. I'll miss Ryan, a lot. Not necessarily him, but the way he makes me feel. I'm kind of worried about what a months absence will do to our relationship..and whether he'll be able to stay faithful or not. I hope so, I really do hope so. But I guess...this will just be a summer of higher highs and lower lows.
-My GPA is crap; Right now I think it's like..a 3.2 or 3.3 or something. That is utterly horrible. And it's only that if I maintain it- it can go down a LOT if I manage to go down in any of my classes. Hopefully that won't happen...but I really need to kick it in gear next year. Junior year will be hell..but I really, really need a better GPA. This year just sucked, straight B's basically. And I know I can do better, dammit. I just really have to motivate myself.
GOALS for summer:
-thrift store wardrobe
-SHOWS
-Ryan.
-Have fun in sweden and don't be bitter about everything I'm leaving behind.
-book baron spree
-summer homework books...soon.
-make out on the beach. =]
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| Hi. |
[June 05, 2006 @ 7:40pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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Spunky - Eels |
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Welcome to LiveJournal, Courtney Rae Marie Carson.
That's half of my full name.
Hi.
I'm Courtney.
I infiltrated the world on February 23, in the year of 1990, to a very strange family.
A mother who was a drug addict with a boyfriend who was a mafia hit man, and a father who was a Swedish immigrant and a Harley Davidson junkie, who later met an evil woman that was to become my stepmother.
I grew up in between these two households [my parents had never married, or even dated] until I was 3, and then my mom sent me to live with my dad and his friends, whom I refer to as my Swedish uncles. We lived like that until I was about six, and then my dad married the evil woman Mary Lee, who put on a facade of nicety until we were in a house together and her place was secure. Then she became the storybook evil stepmother.
I don't have any full siblings, but I do have two half sisters [both of whom I havn't spoken to in about 8 years, since their evil stepmom doesn't like my side of the family and my oldest half-sister accused my moms husband [yes the mafia hit man] of attempting to come on to her]. I also have a step-brother, who was the evil stepmothers son. He's ten years older than I am, and ran away when he was 17 to Iowa, to be with a girl he'd met online. They proceeded to have a child, and then he moved back out here. We get along pretty well.
My real mother lives in South Carolina- she moved there when I was three, which was the reason for her giving me to my dad. She moved with her boyfriend to clean up her lifestyle and get away from the drug scene of California, and they both succeeded and later got married. The only problem with them now is that they're both southern hicks, and racist homophobes to boot.
Well, back to me, since this is my whole introduction thing. I grew up, basically. It was a nice time, full of an older brother terrorizing me and long happy trips to Sweden to visit my family. Then school started, and I was surprisingly good at that. I'm one of those kids that aces everything without ever really trying. Well, at least in elementary school. My 6th grade teacher suggested I go to Oxford Academy, so I tested to get in, and..did. So I went there, and school got hard. All honors courses and advanced math will do that to a kid. I've gone there ever since, and I have to say that it's changed me a lot. The actual school really sucks, but the atmosphere is amazing. The people are amazing, and they've all affected me in incredible ways. Everyone is so intelligent and informed, and the conversation is meaningful.
So, once in Jr. High I developed my circle of friends, and we've been pretty tight ever since. I lost touch with a lot of the friends I used to hang out with, but I suppose that's to be expected. There were never any boys, because boys either didn't like me or I didn't like them.
Jr. High came and went, and I passed. High School started, and that was the same as Jr. High- same school, same people, same teachers. Kind of boring.
I guess I got pretty involved in music. Listening to it, I mean. I guess that's what teenagers do, though. The whole show thing started up, and it's had me addicted ever since. I changed a bit, started wearing band shirts, cut my hair into a semi-scene style- long fringe bangs, short do-it-yourself layers, the occasional temp. dye job.
Now I'm a sophomore. I still hang out with the friends I did in 7th grade. We've all matured, and I am who I basically want to be. And who is that? Well...let me tell you.
I'm Courtney Rae. Otherwise known as Rae or Andy. I'm 16 years of age, and live in the sunny area of Orange County. I have an awesome dad and an evil stepmother, with siblings I don't speak to. I go to a College Preparatory school, and do decently. My dream is to go to Seattle University and study Administration of Criminal Justice, and maybe some day be part of the FBI or some sort of investigations bureau. I have an addiction to music, and an addiction to going to shows. Chances are, if there's a good show at Chain or the Glass House, I'll be there. I do have a boyfriend, and he's 19. We've been dating for almost two months, and it's been fairly good, although nowhere near perfect. His name is Ryan, and he's a freshman at Fullerton Community College, and the vocalist/lyricist in his current project, which is in the works of being set up.
I'm generally an easy going person. I'm very non-confrontational, and tend to dodge issues I should really face head on. I'm an atheist, but I don't hate religion or religious people [unless they try to force it onto me]. I can be selfish, but I think everybody needs to be selfish at some points in their lives. I tend to think literally, which is occasionally a good thing but mostly a bad one.
And I think this is long enough.
Introduction my ass. More like autobiography...
Sorry guys.
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